The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

Okay so its well established by now that this seasons Bachelor is boring as shit. The only thing more abundant than Nicks tears this episode were the amount of times I looked at my phone. ABC is clearly privy to this fact since they decided to announce that Rachel is the new Bachelorette before she was even sent home!? Like come on, Rachel is clearly the best person on this show and now youre going to milk that fact to force us to watch it until the end so we can see how she gets dumped? What does it say about Nick as an eligible Bachelor that you had to break your 33-season racist streak of white leads just to make get us to tune in to the last 4 episodes?

Nicks Mental Breakdown

Raven: Him being that upset was not about Danielle L. He’s just so worried he’s not going to find someone again!- yeah no shit, you must have a mental health degree or something.

Why is Kristina like, snuggling Rachel when Nick is the one crying?

Nick then has a little beach powwow therapy session with Chris Harrison who doesnt say anything but I assume is there to just listen and give him a hard copy of his contractual obligations to stop being a little bitch and finish the show.

^ That’s not necessary

Nick then returns to the girls, intent on giving love a real chance. As tough as this week has been Im set to do 4 more weeks so like, the show will go on.

There is 0 chance anyone knows what Bimini is but Chris Harrison already booked the live band, so theres no way this trip is getting cancelled due to Nicks abundance of tears.I may or may not have kept calling it Bellini several times throughout the show.

Rachel: We walk into our villa at Resorts World Bimini and it looks like heaven. Its the perfect place to fall in love.

Someone needs to do a location count on the places proclaimed the perfect places to fall in love on this stupid fucking show because its getting out of hand.

I honestly didn’t even realize Corinne didn’t have a one-on-one with all the excessive screen time she’s had. The producers obviously don’t want her to have one in case Nick realizes she’s insane and lets her go and THEN where would the ratings be?

Corinne: Vanessa has a one-on-one today, Im not gonna freak out

Corinne: *head starts spinning around on neck*

Get your one-on-one (tee) here!

Date With Vanessa

Date Card: Vanessalet’s go deeper. Bring the lube.

Now Im getting frustrated and Im really bloated. – Corinne, spirit animal

Corinne: It seems like he wants to go emotionally deeper with Vanessa. I dont feel like theres much to open up for Vanessa. I dont see much depth. When I talk to her shes all like, “my family is Italian and we make pasta every week and Im a special needs teacher.”

Well Corinne has a point in that she sucks, but its more because shes mad annoying and condescending and reminds me of a judgmental mom.

Okay obvi Vanessa says shes falling in love with Nick. Not wanting to be hated by all of America AGAIN, Nick goes the safe route and refuses to say it back.

Vanessa: Im falling in love with you

Nick: mumble mumble mumble

Nick then spouts out some Nicholas Sparks type shit. I do believe love is great and if Im lucky enough to feel love then love will be love.

Group Date

Corinne, with the zingers: Ive been on a boat bigger than this.

Does the group date itinerary include 45 minutes of everyone applying sunscreen on each other followed by swimming with sharks?

Nick proceeds to lube Kristinas inner thigh up with suntan lotion and you can tell shes thinking like, lay off the SPF 30 I want to get tan.

Ah swimming with sharkswhat an excellent experience to add to Kristinas list of life traumas.

Kristina: Oh, hell no. I did not leave Soviet Russia for this shit. Im out.

Raven: I will punch a shark in the face if it gets close to me. – Reminder that this is the same trashy ho that beat her ex up with a stiletto.

Corinne: What is Kristina doing with Nick. Im supposed to be the one to dramatically exit the date and get attention.

Can Nick cry less, like seriously hes crying more than all the women combined.

Nick: I want to give the group date rose to Raven.


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Date With Danielle

Ugh, not the sports with the local kids schtick. Just because shes tall doesnt mean shes a basketball player, Nick.

Can someone do something about Danielles voice?Oh never mind, thanks Nick.

Nick: Right now, Danielle and I seem to be struggling to have a more natural conversation. – Well that can happen sometimes on a SECOND date.

Nick: I dont want to put too much pressure on this date but at the same time I need to know by 5pm if I can marry this girl or not.

Nick then lays on the poetic compliments: Youre fun to have fun with.”

Nick: I just have a good time with you. Maybe its because were just two Wisconsin kids who are whoring themselves out on reality TV. Are you REALLY two Wisconsin kids? Youre both in your thirties.

Nick then dumps Danielle because hes not obsessed with her.

Very awkward that Danielle had to go pack all her shit.I wonder if she shoved any hotel robes in her suitcase.

Danielle:Please walk in that door and say you made a mistake.

ABC: Nah, America doesnt like you enough for that kind of producer intervention.


Corinne: Id live in a shack with Raquel and Nick and cheese pasta; thats how much I care about Nick.

Corinne: When I want something, I get it; no ifs ands or buts” – Sounds like you’re ready for a relationship full of compromise and selfless giving.

Corinne then devises a plan to go seduce Nick in his hotel room to get their connection back on track.

Corinne: Im gonna blow that room up. – So youre going to break into Nicks room to take a shit in there?

Corinne: My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum. – Okay sound bite editors, you can go home now.

The sounds coming out of the closed door that Nick and Corinne are in are nauseating. Corinne is legit instructing him on the art of touching her boobs.

Corinne: Never jiggle, lightly massage.

I can understand why, actually, after hearing Nicks “dirty talk.” Youre very attractive, he states. But you should probably GTFO.

I feel like he at least got an OTPHJ.

Date With Rachel

Nick then does his best to ask if Rachel has had any other white boyfriends without actually saying the word “white”.

Nick:Will I be similar to other guys youve brought home? Will I be different? Do the other men youve dated also like country music, and crying in public, and cold brew iced coffee?

Why was Rachels date like 5 seconds?

Nick has cried like 10 times this week.GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

Bye Kristina

That was a big curve ball to send Kristina home.On the other hand, I guess Nick didnt want to meet Kristinas huge adoptive family if he wasnt going to marry her.But really Nick, youre saying goodbye to Kristina over an overtly sexual blonde with a nanny who finds cheese pasta to be a way of life?

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